Here is a little report of what happens when you are having fun gardening about in India, Mother Ayahuasca herself calls you up in a dream and you simply cannot ignore her.
This is part four, five & six of my latest Ayahuasca journeys, during the summer of 2017 with the Sacred Voyage. These are insights in no chronological order gained through three different journeys.
It’s the spring of 2017. I am in India for 5,5 months, living and working on a farm founded by the fabulous eco feminist Vandana Shiva. I’m loving the early bed times, deep sleeps and early wake ups.
With many prophetic dreams.
In one of those dreams, I am a little girl who is being invited to join a space journey to the Moon. It costs €555,- to board the space ship. It’s the opportunity of a life time and it will be magical for me to go and explore some time in space. But I stay just where I am like a little angry girl and complain that it’s too expensive for me to join this magical journey.
I wake up from the dream in the early morning, and hear some words from a song echoing through my mind very clearly. Like it’s God herself talking to me through a cosmic megaphone, it echoes:
“THIS IS NOT JUST A DREAM”
I book the 6 day Ayahuasca retreat. It’s €555,- just like the number in the dream.
The first of August I take my flight back to the Netherlands after my time in India, and I’m nervous as hell. A few weeks later the retreat will start.
I feel really overwhelmed to come back to Europe, and prepare for these intense Ayahuasca journeys once more. The fasting, feeling hungry, feeling nervous, getting all the right groceries for the detox prior to taking Ayahuasca. I’m frightened and curious for what’s to come.
Is she going to make me go through all my shameful feelings out loud once more? What can I expect this time? Why is she calling me? Is something huge going to happen? Is she going to kill my ego? Will she help me save the world? Am I going to die in this retreat, meet the love of my life, be initiated into crazy Witch life a little more?
Really, anything is possible.
This year my journeys started only seconds after drinking the disgusting substance. No drama to release control this time, but even just writing about this substance makes me relive the taste. It gives me the chills and makes me feel sick. YUK!
During the first hour of the journey, I am reminded of how freaking intense psychedelic trips are. My whole body, mind and senses are taken over by this Spirit exercising pretty much full control over my body and it’s intense…. AF.
I am courageous for doing this, and actually responding to this strong intuitive call to do the retreat once more. Despite all my fear. So courageous. This is not easy work.
Insights: Life is just a game
My journeys are very down to Earth, in the body, and applicable to daily life. There are many insights into my behaviour and patterns that could use a little transformation. I am shown how daily life is packed with lessons and challenges to practice with. Waiting for me to see, to understand, and to transform. How every day is worthy, and important to our growth.
I’m shown what happens when I read the newspaper.
I read about all the shit going on in the world, energy starts to move towards my head, and it becomes very dense, and uncomfortable, like a headache. The worrying mind about the state of our world, the feelings of responsibility to know, to help, to relieve suffering, to understand why.
Then Mother Ayahuasca goes: “WHERE IS THE FUN, JOANNA?! LIFE IS JUST A GAME!!!!!!!”
I see myself in a playground. I’m an adult playing around like a kid, having fun, without a worry or need to understand. Just playtime!
I see myself out in a nightclub, dancing all night, having fun. Just enjoying life and being silly.
Clearly I can allow more PLAYTIME in my life.
Less worrying, more fun. Permission to play!
Daily life, mindfulness and awareness
I see myself walking from my room to my kitchen and back again, all the time.
I think to myself: “Fuck my life can be boring sometimes!”
I laugh really hard at the simplicity and uneventfulness of it, and I hope she is going to tell me that from now on I will liberated from this daily life as usual. I hope that everything will be adventurous, purposeful and exciting from now on.
So what do you think happens next?
Ofcourse it won’t.
She is joking with me again.
Then the message, the lesson comes. It’s not about the circumstances of my life at all.
I see myself cooking, in my kitchen. First the oil, the onions, then the vegetables. I am fully aware, mindful, deeply present. I slowly observe the entire process, the transformation of every single ingredient into its baked shape. It’s not about escaping boredom, simplicity, our life circumstances. It’s about my STATE OF MIND.
We can be leading the most exciting and adventures lives, but still not know how to enjoy it deeply. How many times do you see people busy on their phones when there’s a bloody brilliant sunset happening right in front of them? How many times are we deeply listening to the other person in conversation, instead of being distracted, not fully present, not feeling truly connected?
This message is really about the quality of life.
How our level of happiness is deeply related to our state of mind and to our level of awareness, rather than only the outside circumstances, our looks, our whereabouts, our status.
I remember one day, I was 19 years old, arriving to a tropical island in Malaysia, and just being moody that whole first day. I was so surprised that the promised happiness I had seen advertised that would come with the tropical island life wasn’t there. I also remember feeling ridiculously peaceful, almost orgastic throughout my whole being, after reading Eckhart Tolle in my garden on a random day in Spring, and really being completely absent of thoughts or worries for the rest of the day, cycling to my (not too exciting) work in a vegetarian restaurant, working, cycling back again. It was one of the best days of my life. Nothing special, but so lovely. So peaceful. So perfect. That’s because of the state of my mind.
This chapter in the journey was a reminder of how this whole mindfulness thing that I was led to practice in 2015 is very big and important in my life, and needs to be continuously practiced. I saw one of my dear friends doing walking meditation (H. from G. it was you!), very slow steps, with some Buddhist monks from Plum Village. BEAUTIFUL!
Silence and meditation
At some point in the journey, everything stopped. No sensations, guiding voice, turmoil. Nothing. Just like in daily life.
Then I realize she wants me to meditate. Meditate for hours. Nothing else happens.
I smile and I think: “OK, this really seems to be like I’m being shown some of my daily patterns again: my resistance for practice, meditation, yoga and self care. Trying to distract myself until I have reached the end of all Entertainment.”
So I sit there and bloody meditate. Trying to get my discipline on, for once.
It goes on for some two hours, and I’m kind of done with my meditation and wondering when something is going to happen finally. People are visiting angels and shouting loud to release big shit torturing their souls around me. I want to experience something deep too! But I also asked her to please be kind to me in my journeys.
And there’s a deeper lesson revealed. It’s about control. About fear. And about overcoming it.
If I were in charge of this Ayahuasca journey, and of my life’s journey, I would stay out of so many challenges, being way too afraid. Having way too much fear. Fears that I’m not going to challenge myself to overcome. I would probably just design a pretty successvol, normative, ideal life for myself. I would design Ayahuasca journeys, full of love and affirmation, no confrontations, but without much wisdom gained. The whole thing would be boring as hell.
I would not go out of my comfort zone voluntarily.
I realized how Life guides us, not us, and how it’s actually quite nice that we receive a bit of challenge, a bit of difficulty, how we are guided into the right direction, to grow.
Finally, the journey continues.
World history and wars
I see many wars, conflicts, racism. The Holocaust, slavery, the apartheid of South Africa. World history passes through me.
I see the Ying Yan symbol. Duality. Non-Duality.
Why does all of this happen?
“GELOOF, HOOP EN LIEFDE // FAITH, HOPE AND LOVE” she tells me.
She threatens to bury me alive, and some other things like that.
And we continue to the next scene.
Traveling out of the body, and what happens when you die?
I’m starting to get quite jealous of people having extraordinary experiences. My neighboor is visiting angels in other realms, and I kind want to join in the fun.
Then Mother Ayahuasca starts to seduce me to join her and leave my body, so I can find out what happens when I die. And I feel so afraid! What will happen if I leave my body? What will be left of me? I’m so bloody scared! I might not be able to come back to my body ever!
She goes on to tease me for a while, until….
“YOU DON’T HAVE TO TRAVEL OUT OF THE BODY! The entire freaking cosmos is IN your body! You are the stars, the galaxies, and everything. You have access to it all. There’s no difference between anything. There is no seperateness.”
This lady really is full of symbolism, jokes and surprises. We end up journeying inside my body for a while longer.
Saying what I really want to say
Then, I get into a really funny mood. Everything just became so very funny.
I was laughing out loud by myself for quite some time, not really caring about how others’ might perceive it. Really releasing myself from the Nice Girl Syndrome for a while, the state of the one who does not dare to share her truest feelings.
The funny mood gave me the freedom to really express myself, and I could not hold back anything anymore, except for the truth.
I was quite annoyed with the music already for quite a while, and after some time of holding back I just said: “THIS MUSIC SUCKS!!!!!!!” (Sorry, dearest Musicians! I love you!)
I had so much fun saying these types of things. The mood stayed on the rest of the day. Ofcourse it is not always nice or polite, but it was my true nature, and how I really feel. It’s liberating to express oneself freely, even sickening to not do it. It’s important to start integrating authenticity and realness more in my daily life. I can be honest in a polite way. I don’t have to be so afraid for conflict or people not liking me.
At one point I kind of “woke up” from everything. I saw the beautiful white tent, the art by Amazonian shamans, a powerful facilitator who was making music doing his flute thing and I felt such a strong connection with, and deep love for Shamanism.
I remained in this state of bliss for a while, a moment in which all my fear and nervousness fell away. And I felt right at home in the “shamanic world”.
Gender is falling
I was shown clearly how “GENDER IS FALLING”.
Meaning, traditinal concepts of masculinity and feminity are falling. Everything we think we know about it is being shaken to the core, people will release themselves more and more from restricting ideas about masculinity, feminity. About who they need to be. Only what’s real will stay.
We are on “the forefront” of “the evolution”, with many progressive people.
Starting my own business
I was instructed to stop being on the “receiving” end in the world and in my relationships. It’s time to take more initiative, step up my game. Not spend my life helping others’ out, but to prioritize me. I know I’ve been saying this for a while now, but it’s kind of a layer by layer process.
A vision of my own healing business came to me. The words “EIGEN PRAKTIJK (MY OWN BUSINESS)” were shown clearly.
This vision felt so good. Tingles in my body everywhere.
The term “SPIRITUAL COACHING” came up. This was very confusing, I noticed that I felt some resistance. I’m not really into the term “coaching”, and what is meant by spiritual coaching?! Anygay, this is for another time.
My body starts to feel like a furry coat. This might be obvious to you, but I realized that my body is just my BODY. It’s not ME!
It’s not me at all.
I am a soul.
And my soul knows the way.
There is no need to identify this much with my body. It’s just my house. A good house, a joyful house, a house to be taken good care of. But it’s a house.
I start to see the 555 numbers I saw in my dream in India, the 5,5 months trip to India, and some other synchronicities.
The dream I had in India comes back to me. The words I heard when I woke up from the dream aka psychic Phonecall by Mother Ayahuasca; “THIS IS NOT JUST A DREAM” echo through me again.
It was definitely NOT just a dream!
We can really trust these crazy synchronicities and flashes of intuition coming into our lives. Seriously.
Fear attracts like a magnet
My biggest fears are being shown to me. Put right in my face. Like a magnet, they appear right before my eyes – so I cannot escape from them. My fears are the biggest teachers, the most important themes to heal. We spent some time working through some of them, and a year later I still am working through them.
I’m not going to go into full details about these themes now, I’m trying my best to ignore them! Hahaha. Resistance mode, full on.
On the last day of the retreat, we did the traditional fire walk, to really celebrate our growth, to encourage each other on our paths, and be in loving community of alive, kind of crazy people.
I burned my feet pretty badly. But I was courageous!!!
My conclusion of this trippy shamanic spiritual week full of fear, courage, and laughter:
- release control and let yourself be guided,
- you are not your body,
- Shamanism is SO BEAUTIFUL,
- men and women don’t exist, gender will fall,
- everything is going to change and you better surrender to it,
- be yourself, love yourself,
- go out and play in playgrounds,
- don’t take life too seriously,
- life is a game,
- don’t read the newspaper (at least not too much),
- mindfulness is key!
- we live in a magical place,
- the entire cosmos resides inside you,
- build your healing practice/business (and you, build your dream!),
- ….and as always, follow your intuition.
25 september 2018.
Do you want to read more Ayahuasca stories?
Find part three here: Overcoming obstacles and a peek into the future
Are you interested in deep, soulful, intuitive experiences?
- I give individual healing sessions that help move you through where you are stuck. More information by clicking here.
- I co-facilitate group sessions that give deep and soulful experiences without having to use psychedelics. Stay up to date through In this Reality for upcoming dates & information.
Sending so much love and fun your way on this Full Moon.