When I first arrived to the feminist community I was lovingly called “Baby Queer” by my Wise Queer Elders. But babies grow up and become confident and fierce women. In order to celebrate I’d love to share some words about my queerness.
Since some years it’s become obvious to me that I am attracted to people regardless of their gender. I have come to understand that sexual attraction is driven by a deep soul to soul longing to experience growth together, and is most definitely not ruled by the shape of the genitals of the person I am attracted to. The soul is inherently genderless and just temporarily manifests as a particular gender during this lifetime. Queerness has opened new doors for me, given me more freedom and new ways of looking to the world.
Queerness can be understood as a non-definition. For me, it encompasses everything that is NOT the dominant norm of expressing sexuality and/or gender. It is the opposite force of the normative beliefs that have consciously and subconsciously ruled my life in ways that hold me back from living to the fullest. And I am ready to break free. Tralalalalaaaaaaaaa!
Believing what society tells you
When I was younger, I mourned being a tall female. In my understanding, being taller than nearly all men in the world minimized the amount of people (read: MEN!) I am able to date with. I wasn’t aware of the fact that the objects of my love were completely defined by societal standards. In a heteronormative world one is expected to fall in love with a member of the “opposite” sex. So this already ruled out half of the population of the world; women. Furthermore, patriarchal culture expects that men are taller and stronger than their female partners. In this logic, there were not many men left for me to date.
In my early twenties, I became interested in feminism. I started to question everything I had believed about the way men, women and people of all genders behaved towards each other. I tried to find more balance and equality in my relationships with men and became aware of subtle male dominance. At this point in my life, I had always spoken out against homophobia. But I always saw the LGBTIQ identity as something that was outside of me.
2012 gave me Mars ruling me like a Thunderstorm, and put me on the lookout for injustice wherever I saw it – hence the burn out article: From Crisis to Transformation that is also published on this blog. It made me into a fierce activist concerned with all sorts of topics. I felt that as a “heterosexual”, I needed to diminish my privilege and be of self-assigned assistance to the queer community. Only later I came to realize that nobody needed my help at all. Except for the fact that, I needed my own help! I had to look more deeply inside myself. The bi/homo/transphobia that was playing out in the world, was playing out inside myself on micro scale as well.
Learning the difference between friendship & sexual attraction
It was international women’s day and I visited the celebration of my local feminist collective. There she was, a beautiful blonde BABE delivering an enchanting speech. I immediately thought: Damn, I want to be her……….. friend!
As we all know, we are expected to become friends with women and possibly to become lovers with men. When we are just friends with men, people ask us: “Would you kiss him? Do you like him? Could anything ever happen between you two?” On the contrary, when we are friends with women, it is assumed that that’s all. Because of these deep rooted beliefs, I could not even identify my own sexual attraction for women anymore. So here I was, thinking I just wanted to be friends with this woman. Only later I realized I totally digged her!
In this period of time, I held myself back from dating in non-heteronormative ways. I was scared, nervous and curious all at the same time. I knew that once I “gave in”, things might turn into a romance and I would have to tell the news to my mother and friends. And I was feeling pretty shy about it. Also, in my early twenties, being with men usually didn’t make me feel nervous anymore. But flirting with women made me feel like I was 15 all over again and everything happened for the first time. I would get pretty nervous, and not much ever happened! I do feel regret of not going for the opportunities with amazing, nourishing, intelligent and empowering women/womyn that the Goddess put right into my face. I missed out on dating, adventure, love, fun, laughter, learning, wisdom & transformation. But I’m definitely not up for repeating the same mistake in the future. Hell no!
Adapting to my surroundings
My consciousness mind has a full YES for queering this planet and doing away with fear and taboo forever. Except for practicing witchcraft, magic and dancing in the moonlight, it’s one of my favorite hobbies and talents to question my heterosexual friends and lovers about possibly dating a person of the same gender. I know you want to, honey! Strangely enough, I have found that I also have a subconscious resistance of queerness. It comes with a fear of not belonging. Even though I do not like this at all, sometimes I feel that the way I express my identity is very dependent on the dominant group identity.
Being the only queer person in a hetero-normative group partially makes me feel happy and good, but also sometimes nervous for being the “odd” one out. But when I am in queer community, I feel like I want to make sure people know that I belong to their group as well. It shows that it does not really matter what or who I am: I just want to belong and feel safe and accepted. Cute, right? I notice the same urge being in an environments in which all women shave their legs, except for me. I might start to think it’s not very charming after all and feel the urge to shave. But surprise surprise! When I’m in environment in which nobody shaves, I feel like doing the same quickly. They might think I’m some kind of barbie doll who spends too much time on her looks after all.
I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who sometimes tends to behave like this. If it wasn’t so, there would be no ever changing fashion styles that everyone follows, and nearly not as much uniformity in our self expression and the way we live our lives. We just want to belong and find strategies in order to make sure we do. This makes me wonder: If Earth was a bi/homo/transsexual “normative” world, would each person try their best to belong and adopt the dominant identity so as to not fall out of place? Sexuality norms have changed a lot over time. Just think of the homosexual activity in the Roman Empire compared to the rampant homophobia among “heterosexual” men present day. It makes sexuality a very fluid concept. This fluidity is what I would like to adopt in my life.
From attachment to fluidity
I needed some time to mourn the loss of my heterosexual identity. It was an identity I had given to myself and learned to hold onto throughout my life. HELLO ATTACHMENT! Several experiences of falling deeply in love with men and crying for three days after breaking up with them proved it. And I never really fell in love with a woman right? Until I did. Attachment (definitely the favorite word of spiritual travelers in India) to ideas, objects and people creates suffering and makes it difficult to move easily with the changes our lives demand from us. And I do feel there’s some deep truth in that. In this whole processes of radical self acceptance, I aim to adopt a state of fluidity and start to move with ease with what Life needs from me. There will be times in which I will feel more attracted to particular forms of masculinity or femininity and people who express this, in synchronicity with where I need the most healing and learning.
Love is divine and God is gay
Love is divine and resides in everything and everyone. Doing away with queer/homo/transphobia is another way to help see love is in everyone. A way to truly open our hearts. To see past all of the conditioning and break down the walls of fear and shame. To fully embrace this journey and everything that comes with it, to stop living with the resistance and doubts, insecurity and nervousness – and see the absolute beauty that is Love. It helped me from thinking I could probably date less than 1% of people in this world (men and only ones who are taller than me!) to seeing that there are so many more people I could share a loving relationship with. Project OPEN YOUR HEART multiplied by a 1000 percent!
God is great and always shows me the way forward with Her mystical signs. When I visited queer parties for the first time in the feminist period, I felt like my body became very light and was flying for a week long after. It was so exciting! I hugged a very sweet soul for a long time in the middle of the dance floor, felt really safe among a wonderful group of new friends and was just surrounded by pure love. This was most definitely a sign from the heavens: You are Home.
When I saw the film “Strike a pose” that tells the tale of Madonna’s gay dancers and their ways of breaking down taboos and sexual barriers, I felt a fire burning inside of my soul. I felt like I want to be part of this community as public and powerful as possible. I want to continue this work and help break it all down. I just sat there with my team queer in the cinema crying over their powerful stories.
Be proud, whatever it is!
Upon visiting the beautiful Faerie community in Folleterre, France last summer I felt as if I was coming Home in deeper layers. It is not the urban feminist/queer enviroment – it is the ecological, spiritual, shamanistic, queer, anti-capitalist, healing environment where I am home. It was there that I witnessed the brightest star sky and flew through the trees on a swing as a true magical fairie, deeply connected to nature, the universe and Spirit. I had a shower in the outside bathroom and stood drying myself in the sun, naked, feeling completely one with Nature. I had so much fun being among nearly 90 queer men, watching their drag shows and incredibly talented performance acts at night. For my last night I even got dressed up for dinner by an amazing Irish interior designer and fashionista, and felt inspired to let go of my boring fashion style FOREVER.
Folleterre fun 2016
Holy river Ganga coming to the rescue
After staying along the banks of the holy river Ganga this spring, I had a very powerful dream. Women in my close environment were completely being drowned in the mighty waters of the Ganga river: symbol of the Divine Feminine. I tried to save them from drowning desperately, and woke up in shock and fear. The dream strongly symbolized my fear of stepping into my full feminine power and embracing my attraction for the Female, and let go my subconscious fear of how other women might react. Clearly I can stop trying to ‘save’ them from whatever I think I need to save them from, and completely let them drown in everything that divine Feminine super powers come to bring in this age. So drown my dear female friends and family, all of you! And let yourself be carried away by the holy Ganga waters, it’s really good.
Ganga dipping, Rishikesh 2017
It’s time to step into my full, fearless, feminine power. I have a life’s assignment in this. When I look around me, I can see that nearly all of my entire soul family and people I feel close to are queer, trans, bisexual or just open-minded at least. Could it be more obvious that bringing queerness and saving the world from boredom, taboos and some others things like ecological disrespect for the Great Mother & male dominance, and re-enchanting the world with magic is what I came here to do?
Truly becoming ourselves
In the phases that my psychic superpowers are active, I sometimes accidentally tap into the enormity of repressed feelings of bi- and homosexuality in this world by random people I encounter. This is why I make it an effort to always ask people about their love lives in gender neutral pronouns, so that each conversation may bring living our own truth and opening up to possibilities of loving everyone a little closer. Because we have come here to become nothing but ourselves, all of us.
I thank all of the beautiful women and queers who have come into my life and caught my attraction. Thank you for your hotness and opening my eyes to a much greater love, encompassing everyone, not just those who identify as men. And sorry for aaaall of the times I ran away, because I was a little scared. I’m working on it!
I am here to say, I am ready. I accept my assignment!
Women and whoever of the world, date me!
“True love is sourced in divinity and entirely unconcerned with sexual orientation and gender. When you have had the highest form of intimate encounter—one that is soul-sourced and soul-driven—you immediately recognize that gender is entirely irrelevant. The soul doesn’t care about body parts. It has no interest in the form our earthsuit takes. It simply loves what it loves. The ultimate form is polyphrenic, an inclusive embracing of all archetypes and energies. The perfectly blended juice of divinity. Drink from love and see as God sees. And God comes in every possible shape and form.” – Jeff Brown