It’s Full moon.
We start off easy and smooth. By now I think these journeys are working really well for me. I didn’t throw up once, I’ve had beautiful visions, explanations of my life so far and advice for the future.
Until I end up in a nightmare: I’m in the assignments trap.
Saying it all out loud
The plant spirit can give the person in search of healing she is guiding strange assignments to help overcome personal obstacles. Overcoming some of them was on my list. But Jesus, be careful what you wish for.
It starts seemingly innocent.
Get ready for a chakra healing.
Bringing balance between the Male and the Female. Feel! Get out of your head and start feeling! Heeeeeeeeeeere are your feelings (and I feel “energy” or what feels like a thousand moving small invisible snakes moving from my head right down to my stomach). In your stomach!
Reeeeeeally feel them.
You need to have more LOVING self talk. Be sweet to yourself, think of yourself in BEAUTIFUL ways.
Really make sure to PROCESS your emotions.
Pain is a teacher. Pain is your friend.
This little girl is also sometimes in pain. How does it actually feel when you’re really in pain? To feel pain in its entirety?
Oh fuck. Here we go.
All the way? Aaaaaaaaall the way? Untill you scream & shout?
Scream & shout you will!
So go on. Do it.
Until now I had been quite silent during my trips unless being noisy is completely out of my control. I was not planning on screaming and shouting out of free will.
I start to feel an immense pressure on my throat pushing me to scream and shout. I realize there is no way out for me except for doing what she tells me. The journey will not continue and the pressure on my throat only gets worse.
I am really embarrassed, but since there is no way out I shout. I scream.
In the end it’s not that bad after all.
Pain is your teacher. Pain is your friend.
We are clearly working on my throat chakra.
You hold shame for some things, don’t you?
Over the first two journeys I had still been waiting for the overwhelming feeling of love that my friend had experienced and I wanted to feel so badly. However, there’s no sign of it coming and as times passes I notice that we remain in the throat chakra forever. We never descend towards to the heart chakra. I’m waiting and getting impatient. No voices or guidance, just me waiting for love.
If you want to experience love you need to use your throat, and EXPRESS yourself. You can’t get DOWN there – to your HEART – if you don’t use your speech and express your feelings to people.
This rings true for me, as until now I have mostly been dating because of action by others. My fear of vulnerability and rejection often keeps me from expressing myself towards others and rather has me stay safe and waiting.
The next thing I know my training is starting straight away and I’m assigned to say a whole lot of things OUT LOUD I never tell anybody. To imagine how that must have been, just make a mental list of five things you hold the most shame for, and being forced to say them out loud in front of seventy other people. There was no way out and I just had to say it all. Most likely the most nightmarish hour of my life follows and we address lots of things average humans hold shame about. NIGHTMARE!
We even get into a bit of an argument. I feel angry, as I felt betrayed by all the love and safety she had given me. I feel it only happened to get me down to a point in which I would surely come back to take another journey, full of these horrible assignments. I can’t stop thinking: You betrayed me!
Thankfulness! Be thankful. This is a great gift you are being given and all you do is complain. Thankfulness!
At this point I am freaking scared and really learn to obey as I find myself fully under her control. Even after all of this, she is not done with me yet.
You’re really proud you haven’t been throwing up yet, aren’t you?
So grab your bucket.
Oh my dear god. I do as she tells me, my eyes meet those of my neighbour and I signal: Here I go! I just hang above my bucket waiting to get sick – but I don’t. Lesson learned: you are no better than anyone else who is throwing up.
I do get rewarded for this nightmare.
I’m on my matrass, listening to beautiful music. I’m feeling particularly well. It feels like I am in dream. The borders between the world around me and the spiritual dimension completely fade away. The material world around me becomes completely mixed up with my magic journey guided by her voice. She tells me what song will be on next, and it does so a minute later. She says she will send a guide to come to me and put her hand on an exact spot on my arm. It happens straight away.
It leaves me with some big WTF moments.
We revisit moments in my life. She explains why I met people in my childhood and shows me visions of my future. She tells about love, relationship, my family and children and what will happen and who I will meet on what age. A place of light in France friends will live. She even shares details about the souls who want to reincarnate as my future children.
You are ready. Go and enjoy now. Celebrate your transformations!
The journey ends in the most beautiful way. I am sitting up perfectly straight, looking at everyone around me in wonder and awe. I feel a very deep euphoria and happiness. We listen to awesome music and get up and dance. I cannot really describe the flow of love surrounding the tipi at this point. So much collective healing has happened at the same time. Someone proposes to another person and she says yes. We are ecstatic. We are electric. We are freaking powerful.
The next day I experience the Best day of my Life so far.
During a breath work session on the last day of the retreat I revisit old trauma and cry and realize and heal. It doesn’t end there though.
I end up in a vision of the future that lasts two hours straight. I receive a lot of advice on various topics: how to help friends and people I know, how we are related on a soul level, when to go to India and who to meet and why, what to do in life in general, and so much more. All my fears, hopes and questions are addressed: explanations about ecological destruction, balance, the nature of duality, many spiritual lessons and deeper meanings behind the experiences we have on planet Earth.
I need more quiet and move to the forest to experience this beautiful vision all by myself. It starts to include the trees around me. I can see the magic of these beings, the first inhabitants of Earth and feel so much respect and connection with all of nature.
My whole life makes sense again. I feel incredibly hopeful and excited. I have died and come alive again, and suddenly everything makes sense. I cannot wait to live the rest of my life and experience it all. I go for a swim in the sea just next to our retreat centre. The waves, the clouds, the sun, everything is beau-ti-ful. Someone plays Amélie songs on his instrument and I lay to rest bare breasted and really do not care at all.
I am the happiest I have ever been.
My visions continue for a month after the retreat. I receive a lot of advice on developing my work, the connections with the people around me, information about past lives and the future.
I am broken, I am healed, I am broken once more, I have died and I was reborn. And I will die again, and I will be reborn, again.
So much has changed in me after having had journeys with Ayahuasca. I see the world in entire new perspectives. To sum up some of it:
- I feel even more respect for the planet I live on than I already did. If Earth produces a plant this wise, intelligent, profound and healing, and you consider it’s just a small part of its entire ecosystem, just imagine how incredibly powerful the entire being is (and the Universe she lives in, whose size is literally endless).
- I look at my fellow humans in much truer and compassionate ways. Taboos such as abuse and trauma were so out in the open during the retreat. People’s deepest pain and sadness have been expressed in front of everyone. Never before have I been in a situation in which humans have been this real, this open. Without masks. I’m so grateful for seeing such REAL humans. I deepened my connection to others in profound ways and will develop it so much more in the future.
- I healed trauma that I experienced in my life so far. I feel peace when thinking about things that have happened now and am also at peace with others, whereas I used to be guided by unresolved pain and anger and projected a lot of it onto others and the world.
- I have become more forgiving. I sent people that I am in conflict with messages right after I got home and made up. It’s not worth it to swallow it all and remain nasty towards each other for the rest of our lives. If the other dies, surely we will regret we didn’t forgive or made up. I am also much more loving to others, and take the fact that we are all alive not so granted.
- I am not dominated by a rationalist, materialist, mind-controlled worldview anymore and feel more wholeness and wisdom as I integrate the power of intuitive wisdom and spirituality. The remnants of patriarchy that before I only understood with my MIND are dissapearing.
- After having my third eye active for some years now, but not really knowing what to do with it or experiencing its power, I feel it is working well now. My visions and intuition increase, clairaudience and clairsentience are developing in me and I am learning how to work with it.
This retreat has activated the most profound inner change in my life so far. I can highly recommend it if it something you feel called to.
For now, “remember. This life is just a dream. It’ll be over in a blink of an eye. Remember who you are. Remember what you are. This life is beautiful. This life is horrible. This life is wonderful. And this life is just a dream.” – Omkara