How to be single in this world and to feel loved, be love, feel connected?
This might be my biggest quest.
I know this universe is made of love. So why don’t I feel it? Why am I so disconnected from it, even in the absence of lovers that are merely human embodiments of a divine love much greater?
I know this universe works with dualities as learning experiences. My experiences of disconnection are necessary to long for, experience and help build connection and community.
Last night I cried, but not in sadness as I do very often during evenings when the activities of the day cannot distract me from my emotions anymore. And the great sadness that has been accompanying me for years already. I cried from insight.
I had taken good care of myself as my usual tuesday night yoga class was cancelled. There was finally time to spend an evening quietly by myself. Three hours in the kitchen cooking my favorite foods and listening to soul nourishing music, putting myself on my couch beneath a warm cover before 9 pm. Resting.
I was feeling quite happy and satisfied, but still I felt my usual loneliness coming up – as it nearly always does. I wondered how I could give myself what I would long for another to give me. A hug, sharing reflections, feeling connection.
And I wondered how to access the big, endless stream of love that surrounds everything. Surely it should be possible to access it.
Tears came when I realized I don’t allow myself to receive love, as I make up a lot of conditions for love. Love needs to be deserved and is only reserved for some people with certain looks and certain behaviour. Do I look good enough? Do I have my things together? Did I exercise/meditate/get my things done today? Is my body in good shape?
Making up endless conditions, whereas I know for sure love is unconditional. A contradiction in terms.
I love my grandmother to the Moon, and she can be very sweet, but also a bit annoying. I don’t love her less though.
Actually, I don’t really love anyone less in their mess. People going through hard times, working through trauma’s, patterns and addictions I might love the most. I want to hold them in my arms like a small baby and tell them how everything will be allright.
I know I’m living through deep lessons that require personal breakthroughs on the topic of love without being in a relationship. To always be dependant on another for receiving love, for confirming my worth as a person, for confirming my existence basically – is surely not the way to go for me, and neither is it for anyone most likely.
Tears from realizing I am not my own lover.
This whole individual thing – it’s a difficult path to walk. There’s been times that I felt so disconnected from everyone in this world and beyond that I really didn’t feel like living. Perhaps I should love myself a lot for that.
I set my intentions to stop the endless thoughts that project love & connection outside of me. I set my intentions for being single, and being love.