“Ayahuasca brings us to the boundaries not only of science but also of the entire Western world-view and its philosophies.” – Benny Shanon
Ayahuasca was definitely not the start of my life. “Life doesn’t begin after the obstacles, life is the obstacles.” However, it was very much the start of a new kind of life. The spring of 2016 did what she’s good at and brought an unstoppable desire for exploring new things. I followed a course in energetic healing that my soul yearned for like a kid does for icecream and met two beautiful sisters who told me about their journeys with Ayahuasca. At one point in the conversation a flash of intuition just hit me and I heard myself saying: “There are some messages waiting for me.” My mind never made up that sentence or planned on saying it, but somehow I said it. I felt shivers all over my body. I just knew it had to be done.
I’ve been looking for guidance for years and connected to clairaudient people, shamans, healers, Tarot, meditation and everything else that can possibly function as channels to greater knowledge about where the hell I am, what this Universe is and what my current life/reincarnation is all about. Gasping for guidance like gasping for oxygen. Restless to get explanation.
The weeks after two people saw me in their own Ayahuasa journeys. In a friend’s voyage I was part of her crazy soul gang flying like free souls in the cosmos, having fun, playing and reincarnating together to make magic on spaceship Earth. Damn. I want to remember this feeling so bad. They say Ayahuasca starts to call you. Girl could I feel the call!
My day arrives. It’s August 2016. It’s hot. I’ve been fasting on soups & juices for four days and I’m feeling weak. I’m very nervous. Never in my life have I done anything like this, for I don’t want to give up control over what’s happening to my body or my sense of awareness. Drinking a substance that would take me on a trip for at least eight hours that I have zero control over obviously hit my nerves to the max. I knew it was possible to arrive in places of spiritual ectasy, but the contrary was possible too, to experience deep pain or get temporarily stuck in a hellish kind of darkness.
It took quite a while for the substance to hit me. I had prepared myself well and knew that surrendering to whatever comes up is the way to go. So obviously I kept repeating “I surrender to whatever wants to come up” over and over in my mind while laying on my mattrass waiting for my voyage. Too bad just thinking or saying that you surrender is not actual surrender. Full surrender is letting the mind go completely.
The first signs appear. My body starts to tingle. I start to feel very light. My right leg kicks several times. I’m resisting. A conflict between the Spirit of Ayahuasca and my mind has taken off. Who gets control over me, she or me? Can I travel, but still stay in control and give directions of where I want to go and what I don’t want to face? Energy piles up from overthinking and starts to feel like a heavy snake crawling around in my head. Unpleasant.
I start to hear a voice. This isn’t going to be a trip like those of others, it is going to be uniquely yours! Clearly I could let all my expectations go. Clearly I wouldn’t arrive in the sweet place of endless love like my friend did. Oh my dear god.
Images appear whenever I close my eyes. African masks, strange faces pulling crazy faces hanging out in a spiral that I should step into. Your sister (Aline) is there, remember how much you love her? She’s there, so why don’t you come along? All sorts of seductions to fully surrender that didn’t quite seem inviting, but just scared me. Even though consciously I did want to come along, 26 years of my mind trying to control this universe kind of pays off.
My thoughts become quiet at last. Heavy breathing. I feel like I’m drowning. I’m gasping for air. It feels so incredibly hard to breathe. The few breaths I do take come from a very deep place in my body and make noise. It’s horrible and scary. I can’t even ask for help -I’m too busy trying to catch my breath and stay alive for around half an hour.
Followed by so many strange noises like moaning and shouting. Trying out a lot of different tones and doing it LOUD. It’s so freaking weird, but completely unstoppable. My neighbor is doing similar things and I find myself in some sort shouting concert with her. I feel really connected to her shouting. I have zero control of anything, finally. Super heavy breathing again. Crying from fear. I don’t want to close my eyes anymore. I’m already in this journey for four hours and it’s horrible.
Many amazing women leading the ceremony support me. They hold my hand, lay beside me, ask me for my children’s name and keep on repeating it while stroking my hair, encouraging me to breathe and try to exchange my fear for curiosity. I’m a helpless baby. I’m in the hands of something far more powerful than myself. I keep asking for going to a place of love that I heard friends speaking about. Nothing like that happens though. This was going to be a trip that is uniquely mine, right? I try to accept I’m in a bad journey and I just have to wait it out. I hate this entire ceremony and the stupid (!!!) idea of coming here. Y’all are crazy and we should go home to do something useful in my opinion.
Finally my breathing is getting back to normal and I’m just so freaking happy to be alive. Whenever I get the chance I’m telling people that WE’RE ALIVE! WE’RE STILL HERE! I’M SO HAPPY! Oh my god we are still here and I can breathe. One of the ceremony guides holds my hand to help me go to pee and I’m still telling everyone about being alive and breathing. They reply like they would to a person who has lost memory and nodd and give comforting smiles. It’s funny because someway you know you’re acting like a TOTAL FOOL but still you cannot stop it.
Heavy feelings disappear. I’m going outside to lay down on the grass and look at the clouds and trees. Do you want to continue? YES. Let’s continue! I got over myself. Are you sure? YES. This is an introduction tour. Do you want to leave your body and travel the cosmos? NO!!!!!! She suggests many other crazy things. I arrive in a very gentle and sweet place. An amazing feeling appears. A light flash moving throughout my entire body in hundreds of spirals, really really quickly. THIS is your intuition! Total magic. This feels sooooo good. It moves so fast and lights up my entire body. Listen to it. Stop listening to others. Feel for yourself. You don’t have to ask guidance to others who have a ‘stronger’ connection. Listen to your intuition!
My “Phonecall with God” starts. I can ask all sorts of questions about my life and people I know. Obviously I asked her who is in love with me. Perhaps your name came up too, dear reader 🙂 hahaha!
And messages start to appear. You’re in deep pain about what is happening to the Earth right now. Feel it. Go into the pain. Pause. You’re really having trouble dealing with racism and fascism in this world. Pause. You’re in pain from (…) Feel it. Pause. Everything happened the way it happened in order for you to gain strength. And help other women, later on. Don’t blame them, they didn’t mean it that way. They are not bad. It was necessary process of growth for you.
So many healing tears of joy and relief. Things happened according to plan. Remembering why my soul had chosen this experience. I’m wrapped up in a huge hoodie crying the most comforting tears I’ve ever cried. Feeling so held, so safe, so cared for. My entire body starts to tingle. I’s a special tingly feeling when I heal from trauma. This is it! This is actually happening. I was worried for ages: how am I ever going to heal? How many years/money/treatments will it take?
Tingles continue to collect the pain ‘leftovers’ all over my body. My hand starts to hurt badly. It became the cramped hand of my grandmother she cannot move anymore, stuck with unprocessed pain. Do you want to let go or stay? It hurts so bad. It’s so cramped. I can’t let go straight away though. After years we start to identify with pain and make it part of our personality. It’s strange to suddenly let go, no matter how badly we would like to. Can you really let go? she asks maybe ten more times untill I feel a yes on all layers of ‘me’, not just my mind. The pain piles up in my hand for a few seconds more and hurts like hell, to then leave my body entirely and ‘fly’ out back into nowhere, into non-existence.
Magic happens again. I can’t believe what just happens to me. Such a precious gift. I dry my tears and sit up straight. I feel so light. People next to me ask me “What happened to you? You look so light! Your eyes!” We hug. I dance, I smile, I am light.
It’s gotten dark and the stars are out. I just want to stay in this place forever. Hearing this sweet voice comforting me like a loving mother and reassuring me. I don’t want the trip to end. More love please! My spirit guides appear. Did you really think we left you alone in that crazy world? That you had to live this life all by yourself? More tears of relief and just euphoria. Feeling so supported, so guided.
My trip ends slowly. There is music, dancing, fresh fruits after not eating all day. I’m so proud of myself for going through the hell of feeling like drowning and overcoming my fear. I survived, I am still alive. I can breathe. We’re all alive! Pain is here for my soul to build up strength. I can try to trust my path and let go of control more from now on. I don’t have to overthink everything. The reality we experience is something my little human mind cannot fully understand at this point, but someday I will and hopefully everything will be worth it. It will be worth it. Otherwise we won’t be here experiencing this in first place. I often fear the future, climate change and the rise of the far right, but I at least I am guided. I am not alone here after all.
And neither are you, my dear.
This life is a dream
It will be over in the blink of an eye
Remember who you are
Remember what you are
This life is beautiful
This life is horrible
This life is wonderful
And this life is just a dream
A dream made of love