oh baby ready or not!” – Madonna
Over the past year I’ve regularly started to feel a blockage of energy in my throat. It’s not a good feeling. The lump in my throat appears in situations with people that require uncomfortable conversations. They show up when I have things to say to others that are not easy as they might result in conflict or me getting myself into a place of vulnerability.
During my summer in France working on an organic farm it even cumulated in an actual throat ache after not communicating my needs to my work coordinators for weeks. I really needed to talk about the fact that I was exhausted from the work and I couldn’t keep up with our current schedule of daily work without any full days of rest. Simultaneously, I really wanted to prove to myself and others that I could keep up after regaining my vitality after two years of chronic fatigue and didn’t need any adjustments, just like other healthy humans. Obviously, I’m not in that place yet. The good thing about bad things is that the throat ache got so uncomfortable I rather dealt with the uncomfortable conversation than being in this physical pain. When I finally said what needed to be said, the conversation was actually very insightful and bonding, the pain released and I felt relieved.
A few weeks later I returned to The Netherlands for an Ayahuasca retreat. During one my voyages Mother Ayahuasca took me on a healing journey through my chakras. We spent a lot of time in my throat chakra. She showed me that clear communication is the bridge to all the things I need in order to live a fulfilling life, such as experiencing love, healthy relationships and having meaningful work. She gave me assignments to say all sorts of things I’m embarrassed of out loud in front of everyone, so as to help me release shame and insecurities through the voice. Finally I could start to move beyond the blockades I feel that keep me from standing in my full power as a woman.
For at least the past five years I’ve been wanting to start a blog. I’ve had phases with a lot of inspiration and finally getting towards writing after distracting myself for ages. It mostly ending up with unfinished and unpublished blogs, and the phases of inspiration and working on it just ended. Perfectionism, insecurities and a lack of concentration and persistance felt like huge obstacles in my way.
These days I’m realizing that writing for an audience (and actually publishing it!) is a very important part of my soul’s journey. Writing is my power, when I write I am guided. When I feel lost and don’t know which step to take next all I need to do is pick up a pen. Reading all the things I wrote in my notebook last year again, I realize that I this is the way my soul & guides speak to me directly. Many things that I know about my path now, such as what my essence and soul’s purpose is, why I’m here on Earth and what my future might be like had already been written down in easy and simple words. I never thought much of it, perhaps it was a product of my mind’s silly musings? However, I’m convinced now that guidance can be very clear and simple. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a spectacular vision after six years of meditation by a prophet or monk in the desert on solely water & bread.
Writing is one of my channels. However, just writing for myself is not enough. My Ayahuasca journeys showed me that I experienced all the hardships, such as gendered violence and domination, in my life for a reason. They were not there for me to live my life and just shut up, keep small and sit quietly in a corner getting other people’s voices out.
First and foremost, I need to get my own voice out.
This summer as I sat by the lotus pool in Plum Village, I promised my soul I will follow her way and not let my ego, imagined personality, my mind, society’s expectations or other people’s opinion in the way anymore. It’s time to let my soul fully express herself.
So this Sunday morning, on the first week anniversary of my new life, I finally registered for the NVC (Non Violent Communication) course that’s been pulling my hair for the past months and publish this first blog post – that should have been published five years ago. But five years later, if that is what it takes, is also fine.
Free at last.
Art by Citlali Haro (http://citlaliharo.tumblr.com/)